Tag Archives: Comedy

Squirrels

13 Monday May 2013

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My backyard in Texas is a wonderland for two particularly playful squirrels that cause us to laugh hysterically from time to time.

The male squirrel is all guy, and you can tell that spring is in full bloom where he as day after day he seeks to swoon his lady, putting on his best little Fred Astaire dance for Little Miss Lady, the Ginger Rodgers of the backyard ballroom.

Forget Dancing With The Stars, we have Dancing photoWith The Squirrels, only their’s is a three-dimensional dance floor that extends into the trees and from roof top to roof top.

Fred lays around all day on our oak tree as if depressed, his arms and legs dangle from the branches of his perch unless he gets hungry, at which point he gets off his wooden couch at goes foraging for something to eat (Ladies know what I’m talking about).

Its funny, when his lady friend shows up its as if someone cued the lights and said “action!” Then, wow, what a performance: leaping and chirping loudly at our dog Daisy from his tree perch as if saying “beat it dog, my lady just arrived.” On one particular day he stood up on two legs and began to shake his booty from side to side, tail flickering in the wind and swaying from side to side.

I could almost hear Luther Vandrose and Lou Rawls singing backup for the little guy. It didn’t take a squirrel expert to help me realize that romance was in the air. Our ill informed desert dog Daisy, who never saw a squirrel until our recent move, has no idea what to think, nor did she care, Fred and Ginger were about ready to start dancing…

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How to Carve a Pumpkin

12 Friday Oct 2012

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 1. Be prepared. Buy your pumpkin early in the month.

Last year I waited till October 31st to select a pumpkin. Walking up to HEB  all I could see were Cinderella Pumpkins. I lifted the heavy, fancy pumpkin, a watermelon, paid, and drove home dejected.

I picked up pumpkins for everyone in the moms class last week and gave them the pumpkin prayer.

I did not tell them of last years pumpkin shortage.

Todd said he would be unable to carve the fancy squash, but how about Larry the Cucumber with the watermelon? The trick or treaters loved it and enjoyed having their photos taken with Larry. I cowered in the dark humiliated as  friends walked by.  Over and over I explained I did not buy a pumpkin early enough in the month. One friend laughed hysterically

“Girl you have got to get it together next year, you are living in Texas now”

2.Have faith in others abilities. I have handed off pumpkin carving for 26 years. I have faith in Todd’s carving abilities.

Know when to let the experts step in.

3. Be ready with cold drinks, newspapers, a fall snack of some sort. I plan to drop by the Bee’s Knees in Cedar Park for a couple of tasty gluten-free snacks for my skilled carver. Avoid the carving area by snapping photos and appearing  busy by washing pumpkin seeds in the kitchen.

4. Tell stories from earlier years. One year we served hotdogs.  “Halloweenies” are still spoken of fondly on our old street in Lake Forest.

5. If someone asks you to carve a pumpkin and the whole thing makes you nervous. Don’t.

Oh Kale it’s a Wrap

28 Saturday Jan 2012

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My friend Becky was joining me for lunch yesterday and with only a quick fifteen minutes to relax I told her I would bring our lunches. The City of Austin is encouraging us to cut plastic from our lives, so in lieu of water bottles, I filled 2 small mason jars with filtered water for our beverage.  Classy.  In a hurry, I slapped together the strangest combination of ingredients and produced a most delicious Kale, hummus and roast beef egg roll wrap.  OK, it doesn’t sound great, but what joy it brought me when I took my first bite.  Turns out Becky couldn’t make it, so I doubled down on this delightful surprise with little worry of consuming too many calories.  Yum!  here’s what I did:

Lay kale leaf flat tearing off stemfof
Place generous dollop of roasted garlic hummus in the center
4-5 slices of roast beef
2 slices of tomato
2 slices of hot pepper jack cheddar
1 tsp. of horseradish (optional)
Wrap contents in wax paper tightly and weight a heavy book or marble if you have it for just a minute or two.
Place contents in egg roll wrap (wheat)and brown slightly in pan with just a drop of vegetable oil.  Substitue any meat, vegetable, evoo, or spring roll wrap (rice) would do nicely also.

What to do when the flu hits…

11 Friday Nov 2011

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I heard, and trembled within; my lips quivered at the sound. Rottenness entered my bones; I trembled where I stood. Now I must quietly wait for my day of distress to come against the people invading us.  Habakkuk 3:16 HCSB

My morning began with stubbing my pinky toe on a chair in the living room. Leaping to the sofa yelping and seeing blood trickle across my toes. My daughter  very softly and asks “Mom are you ok?”
Every fiber in my body seemed to hurt and I simply wanted to crawl back in bed. I did not know it, but my balance was off because the flu had hit our house. The  invaders were the viruses from the Mucinex commercial. We had gone to bed very late the night before, our throats were sore and we could not sleep. It hurt to swallow. I drove my daughter to school thinking in my head she should have stayed home, and praying she would decide to care for herself and call. I looked at her as she exited the vehicle and said “I love you honey call if you need anything.”

My one day off all week I dragged a huge basket of laundry next to the sofa and proceeded to fold laundry while lying down.  Folding was a bit tricky and placing the piles so they would not fall was unsuccessful as they slipped off the back off the sofa.  The phone rang.  Our daughter was coming home.

If you are swept off your feet, its time to get on your knees.  Fred Beck

Somehow a jolt of strength whipped into me as I stripped down her bed and blankets to give her clean sheets and warm blankets to crawl into.  Where did my strength come from?

My lips quiver with fear. my legs give way beneath me and I shake in terror.  Habakkuk 3:16 TLB

My flesh had no strength… I ached, but on my knees before the Lord he poured into me.

 

 

The Texas Grab

14 Tuesday Sep 2010

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In intellectual matters you can think things out, but in spiritual matters you will only think yourself into further wandering thoughts and more confusion. If there is something in your life upon which God has put His pressure, then obey Him in the matter. Bring all your “arguments and …every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ”, and everything will become clear as daylight to you.  2 Cor. 10:5   Chambers 9/14

While standing in line at Walgreens yesterday, the woman in front of me poured out more cosmetics on the counter than I have seen in  some time.  My friend Tom, (looks like my Dad and always smiles sweetly at me) the cashier, was ringing her out.  She hears the total and even though all her adult children are with her she flips around, grabs my arm hard and says loudly “Oh My Lord”.  She is not beginning prayer, but is exasperated by the total of her bill, which I think is quite low given the enormous pile of creams, eye pencils, and shadows of all shades.  We were not touchy people in my family growing up, so I gather my nerve back and give her a reassuring “It’s ok” as her forty-year old daughter chastises her for grabbing a total stranger in line.  

Sometimes God grabs me.  What grabs you?

The Green Monster

15 Thursday Apr 2010

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Todd is always trying to squeeze more veggies in my diet.  fofMy box of Jugy Fruit ( chewy, fruity candy) apparently did not count yesterday.

The Green Monster

1 head of kale

1 half bunch of spinach

4 tbsp. of unsweetened applesauce

1 c of soy milk

Squeeze one orange into mix and blend well in food processor or mixer.

The big surprise was the taste and color were fantastic.

Feeling energized,

Trish

A Walgreens Christmas Dinner

28 Monday Dec 2009

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The Christmas season in a pastor’s home is always an active time, and this year is no exception, but our family planned ahead, purchased and shipped all our gifts early, and managed to send out one box of  Christmas cards to most of our family.  At  the store a memo was posted notifying us no time off would be granted in December — no need to ask.  With that the pace quickened as Christmas approached, and my part-time job became a full-time thing.   There was less time to prepare for Christmas than in previous years,  and we encountered a few unanticipated “opportunities” for faith and laughter, but it had been a fun-filled month of anticipation.   On the weekend before Christmas we had an Open House for young and old from our church, Todd’s folks arrived the twenty-third, the house was tolerably clean, and we waited excitedly for the Texas and North Carolina cousins to arrive.  And then…

“the night before It was Christmas and we were without…”, gifts needed wrapping, and the trip to the grocery store was fast disappearing.  My husband who had been down for the count sick for three days finally arose in the morning of Christmas Eve day with no voice, and it was looking like this year’s sermon would be retitled “Silent Night” and the Christmas story would be done in pantomime.    His voice recovered, a few packages got wrapped.  I dressed in my most festive attire and off to work I went at eight am.  Somewhere during the day my husband called to see if I would be up for going out to lunch.  I looked at my boss and asked her if I was crazy to go out given I only had a cooked Country Ham for Christmas dinner and was unable to find a Crown Roast at any local store.  I was still absent of the necessary sides for dinner. She and I concurred I must go and be carefree for a couple hours and “just shop later”…perhaps very quickly before our six pm Christmas service. Sounded like a good idea at the time.

The story picks up quickly at this point because with so many unwrapped presents, the only rule as every one wrapped that afternoon was that you could not wrap your own.  We ran out of wrapping paper at one point and began wrapping with scraps…a real patch job.  We then left at five for the service and decided a little run to the market after the service would have to do. 

Around eight pm Marilyn (Todd’s Mom) and I left for the one place we were sure would be open on Christmas eve.  I know you’ll shudder if I put the big box store name in print so we’ll leave it out and let you fill in the details.  We pulled into the parking lot just as the doors were being locked, lights turned off, and shoppers left the store, bags in hand.

Marilyn and I start to laugh hysterically as we and an army of late shoppers sped across the street to another grocer only to see the same thing unfold. My face went pale and my mind numb as I started envisioning my bare pantry and lonely, country ham — naked in the middle of my beautifully set table with nothing to dress it up. My mother-in-law was not phased and said “Trish we just need to find a 7-11, we’ll be fine, we’ll make-d0.”  The light bulb went on for me in that moment as I realized the Walgreens would be open.  Others would soon realize the same thing, and another stampede was about to begin.  The first ones to Walgreens would get the choicest crops from their canned goods aisle.  We sped off in a hurry…   

We leapt out of the car, grabbed one of the last carts available and there we were, standing in the canned goods aisle at Walgreens preparing Christmas dinner, laughing uncontrollably as Marilyn author of , Taste and See That The Lord Is Good ~ Psalm 34:8,  ( a published cookbook) creatively put together dishes from what was available for our Christmas Dinner.   

Our menu:

A jar of green olives and a can of black olives

Green beans and Campbell’s Mushroom soup (no French-fried onion available) home- made caramelized onions topped the dish

Peas and mushrooms

Au Gratin potatoes (from the box)

Corn pudding made with canned corn

Orange jello and crushed pineapple ( my daughter’s contribution)

Frozen Mrs. Smith pumpkin pies

Our Country Ham and Sweet potato biscuits from Smithfield, Virginia shipped earlier that month from the Southards. 

Don’t you all wish you were here for this delicious Christmas dinner from Walgreens.

Trish and Marilyn

Early Morning Fright

19 Monday Oct 2009

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Autumn LeavesWhile driving my Cross-country runner and friends to school I realized I forgot to line my lips. I reached into my make up bag, grabbed the lip liner, and while driving , perfectly lined my lips… with Loreal khol black eye liner. The girls, apparently the only ones in the car who were wide awake, had a good laugh.  I batted my eyes and smiled widely for them in the rear view mirror saying “Girls, what do you think I’ve done?”  Both screamed so hard they could barely respond.

I usually put on Rimmels, East End Snob, or Wild Clover first thing in the morning and Chapstick the rest of the day, but what if we lined our mornings with dark thoughts and dark things?   We’d have a very difficult time shaking off the covers, and greeting the family, not to mention the people we work with and our neighbors as we scoop up our morning papers.

I dropped into my favorite coffee shop and decided to give the barrista’s a good laugh as I relayed my morning misstep — Halloween would come early for them this year.  They laughed hysterically, doubled over and left the front counter.

How do we chase away the ghouls and goblins of October?
We Praise God.
We read the Psalms and Praise God for who He is.
The darkness and light cannot coexist.
The light will bust in and you’ll be in the Almighty’s Zone.
Praise God.
Our days must be lined with hymns of Praise or they will run down to valleys.
Psalm 104 is a great place to rest your soul and refresh your spirit.
I’ve always associated the Psalm with garments, foundation and the face, because those words are sprinkled throughout the text.  I sat down to read my bible and would you believe today’s reading was 104?

Here’s just a few…

Bless the Lord, O my soul. O Lord my God, you are very great.  You are clothed with honor and majesty, wrapped in light as with a garment. v.1

You set the earth on its foundations, so that it shall never be shaken. You cover it with the deep as with a garment; the waters stood above the mountains. vs. 5,6

When you hide your face, they are dismayed; when you take away their breath they die and return to their dust.  when you send forth your spirit, they are created: and you renew the face of the ground. vs. 29,30.

Lining up my day in the Lord,

Trish

Sandwiched Between Two Parents

09 Friday Oct 2009

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fof

 

One morning this week Todd was making lunch for our lovely teen daughter. She has always preferred one piece of bread cut in half with just the meat. Mom’s just know what their kids like best. My husband was making a sandwich with everything in the fridge on it with two pieces of bread. He had large pieces of lettuce, a large slice of tomato, mayo on both pieces of bread, 6 or 7 slices of turkey, a real Dagwood sandwich.   I was aghast…she doesn’t like mayonaise…or lettuce.  But I held my tongue.  She would face this alone.  Mom needed to step back as there was no sense micromanaging my husband’s sandwich production.  My daughter could just pull off what she didn’t like at school.

I envisioned her distaste as she slipped the gigantic sandwich from her lunch bag in front of all her friends.  Later that evening she called me into her room.  I expected she would quietly bemoan her mayo and meat behemoth.  But this was a meeting of another order, a monumental announcement from our formerly finicky eater who is exploring new horizons this year from cross country to choir.   In the kindest way possible she said “Mom, I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I like how Dad makes my sandwiches.  Do you think you could add all the extras like he does?”

 

Stepping back,

Trish

Being Too Busy Gives You Nightmares.

08 Tuesday Sep 2009

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Being too busy gives you nightmares.  Ecclesiates 5:3 TLB

Riding to church sunday morning I glanced in the vanity mirror and noticed I was sporting one gold and one pearl earring.  This occurred even with our Sunday morning devotion on “Becoming a Woman of Excellence” by Cynthia Heald.

Clearly I’m still in the becoming stage.

My nightmare is being in public with two different earrings on. 

 Time to slow down.

Trish